Our days are filled with therapy, docotors apts, traveling, teaching, studying aches, pains and complains, repetition and diaper changes…..many many MANY diaper changes.
Everyday, I try to focus on a to-do list and a skill that Theodore and now Oliver need to learn.
Theodore has grown and grown A LOT. However, he has many skills he has not yet learned. Many have been demonstrated by one of his many helpful therapists and many of them need to be practiced daily.
Oliver is growing like a weed and many of his skills he will “accidentally” learn. He will hopefully follow through many of the “normal” developmental skills. He also is picking up on things so fast because of the older people/ kids around him.
Theodore is striving and growing, but he is older and his hypotonia and other struggles have set him back a bit( as we all know)……AND he is so smart and STUBBORN soooo…..we have to continue to practice.
If a skill is hard and he knows it, he will do EVERYTHING in his power to keep from working on that skill.
YES, he creates more work for himself.
Sometimes I forget, but I try my hardest to practice and other times we are so busy with every other task we don’t have time.
Am I only human… YES!
Should I make excuses….NO!
On top of these teachings we have “normal” toddler/baby tasks to complete. Playing, naps, pump for Oliver, laundry, cleaning bottles, feeding(when Theodore decides to eat, and Keeping Oliver on a set schedule because he would eat all the time) and giving them a healthy dose of LOVE.
Many days, I do not have enough time to really think or analyze how I am doing as a parent, or a person because I only have enough time to plan, task and put those plans and tasks in action.
Many nights, the quiet ones, I lay awake worried that we may not be enough. That we could be doing more, that Theodore needs more. That Oliver is being overshadowed by the many things we have to do for his brother, that one day Oliver may resent being second. That they both may resent we didn’t do enough.
I worry that they will not meet their milestones because maybe we haven’t done ENOUGH!
Is it possible we didn’t practice enough with Theodore? Or maybe Oliver didn’t get enough time to develop on his own because we have asked too much of him.
I worry even though we are giving EVERYTHING it is still not enough.
I worry I am not teaching them enough about life and the small things, because we are focused on the daily tasks of life.
I worry that if I don’t care enough or love enough that everything can be taken away.
I fear that striving to be “perfect” isn’t enough.
I fear if I don’t take time to be thankful is will disappear.
Are we enough? ……
Are we doing enough? Are we giving enough? Do we try hard enough? Do we love enough? Do we get out enough? Do we see family enough? Do we share enough? Do we laugh enough? Do we snuggle enough? Are we teaching enough? Do we play enough? Do we appreciate everything we have, enough? Do we pray enough? Do we share enough?
Sometimes, well a lot of times, I answer NO to these questions. However, in my rare moments of sanity (haha) I realize we are trying our hardest to be enough. Most of the time I am hard on myself because of fear and questioning. These very thoughts create a lot of tears and frustration and I begin to bury myself in a deeper hole of sadness.
I need to know we are trying hard enough, to be enough!!
I need to know that God gave these wonderfully unique boys to us because he knew we were going to be enough!
I will try to Report to Duty, everyday in knowing we are enough! Or I will at least TRY! I will continue to try as hard as we have been, even though we all could use improvement, to be ENOUGH!! We will continue to give them all our love and do our best!
Until Next Time,
Reporting to Duty